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So I got paid from my job and decided to get myself a couple of things but save most of the money.

I wrote the other day about my friend who invited me to a tea house here in Fresno. While I was there I found a single serving tea set in their gift area that I wanted. Once I found out at the register that it cost $50 (there wasn’t a price on it), I was like “hell-to-the-f*ck NO. I can’t do that!”

I hadn’t gotten my second check at the time and was still clinging to the first one. So I said maybe next time and handed it back to the cashier.

I went home. I kept thinking about it. I kept thinking about it. My next check posted to my bank account. I needed to exchange something else that I had bought and my friend said she would take me back to the tea house.

I had talked to my mom about the pricey little tea set that I couldn’t get out of my mind. Her response was that it was my money and I should do whatever I wanted, as long as she didn’t have to buy it.

But the moment I bought the tea set home with me and she asked to see it, I could tell she was thinking You paid all that money for that shit?!

Sure enough, she complained to my sister about it on the phone.

The reason I felt so conflicted over it in the first place was because I know I planned to save the majority of the money and really felt I shouldn’t be spending any of it on stuff like that. I set out with the intention of treating myself but couldn’t quite do it.

My family has never had a lot of money to begin with. The first money I get after college should ideally be used for whatever I want and yet I still feel guilty even though I all I did was spend the money I worked for on something that I wanted.

My sister and friend tried to talk me through the guilt and irritation over my mother’s bullshit but it lingered. I was a little hurt that she would go behind my back and talk about me after pretending not to care what I did. But then again, she famous in my mind for that sort of thing.