Daily reminder that if you hate yourself, it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be ashamed. You deserve to feel loved, by yourself and by others. You’ll get there. Keep fighting.
(Source: shakethecobwebs) (tumblr)
(Source: shakethecobwebs) (tumblr)
Growing up, I was taught that by getting angry or standing up for myself, I was being a “black” stereotype (Angry black Woman™) and being defensive (which would only prove that my abusers were right, because of course only other people know who you really are and can tell you the truth about yourself, 0_0).
People assumed that stuff didn’t bother me because I didn’t say anything about it. Or they justified my inability or unwillingness to speak out by remaining silent themselves, because inside they believed
Sometimes I would just smile through it because I thought it was best to keep an unpleasant situation from getting worse by not letting myself be the source of the unpleasantness. I was already fat, Black, a girl, poor, and confused about liking girls, boys, and excited by the transformative potential of people who were neither both and everything—getting angry would only make me uglier and less tolerable. Defending myself would reveal
So I came to the conclusion that the only thing to do was to try not to react at all. I clenched my teeth. I learned to be as still as possible, hoping they would forget I was there. I learned to be constantly ready to be attacked yet never defend myself. Of course I can’t be seen in public enjoying a meal or moving too fast or too much. I must be poised and controlled at all times. I must be willing to accept people’s preferences and understand that I will most likely never be loved or cared for or spoken to with respect because by not losing weight I have agreed to the limitations and restrictions placed on my existence. I must be above reproach and accept reproach yet remain below deserving humanity. I must accept the terms of being loved in ideal but never in reality.
I must accept and navigate the injustices placed upon me, but refute and battle the injustices inflicted on everyone else.
I don’t want this to be a place where I only focus on bad things, horrible experiences, but this is a place where I dismantle them in seeking transformative power.
In which Her Majesty discusses being a fat lovely pervert
This will probably be an infrequent column due to the fact that…you know, I can’t trick people into my lair for sex on a daily basis (excuse my self-deprecation).
I know a lot of people don’t want sex to be the focus or fulfillment of their lives living while fat—I don’t either. But I am a sexual being. A frustrating tangle of mind and body, intellect, emotion, and bodily needs/desires. I’ve struggled with being a sexual being for reasons:
I’ve always felt safer with my intellectual self because people have always valued my intelligence if nothing else. I have always lived more in mind than body.
Manifesting my sexuality has almost always resulted in anxiety-ridden episodes because of how I have been made to feel about my body.
On sharing my body and self with someone else, as opposed to “losing my virginity”
To finally be with someone who at least accepted me and my body has meant a lot to me. It was like crossing the line of believing into the realm of knowing for me.
What I mean is this: Not everything I found out about myself was a surprise *side eye*. Some stuff was just confirmed. That’s a whole other post though.
I never thought people were actually hiding or minimizing their double chins until I saw this comment on a quote I wrote.
I do have sort of a double chin and I’m self-conscious about it because I get breakouts on the underside of my jaw a lot, breakouts which I didn’t have until like my junior year of college. It bothers me because I was bullied in school; additionally, I like for people to actually look me in the face, not focus on the breakout area which is made even more noticeable by my chin and direct light. When I’m interfacing with people, I tend to hold my head up and try not to lean my head too much to either side. Some of this is pride and a sense of dignity, some of this self-consciousness about the fatness of my head, which is big or so I’ve been told; I do feel less self-conscious when I can feel my jawline.
I see images of perfectly typically sized fat womyn/people in nice clothes with detailed descriptions of where they bought their outfits, shoes, and accessories from on Tumblr. Women with usually shaped arms. Pear-shaped and hourglass-shaped femininity. Mostly white women. Obviously people with money. Almost no guys. Double chins? I see them sometime, but I do notice that I don’t see many.
I think for some people having the second chin is marker of unjustifiable obesity. The most confident and praised fat people are usually treated as bigger versions of thinner people. The more you look like a plus-sized version of a thin/skinny person, the more praise and attention you get. Having a double chin can place you out of that category.
Which bothers me because this kind of micro-classifying of fat bodies and assignation of worth and value is out of line with what body positivity should be about. What’s the point of body/fat positivity if you feel like you have to constantly hide parts of your body, minimize, or smooth them out?
I got my first blog here on WordPress, where I don’t have to be constantly aware of how many people follow/unfollow me because of the dashboard features. On WordPress, all I see is how many people view my blog daily. I don’t have to look at stats if I don’t want to, especially followers.
I came across Tumblr by chance but now have several, just like I have several WordPress blog. I create multiple blogs to cater to the universes inside my head even though some end up being neglected as I break down into fits of anxiety.
Not to bitch and complain about it, but I notice on Tumblr that whenever I post something personal, about my life, feelings, or experiences, I lose followers. This is across two blogs.
I have some dedicated people who continue to follow and let me know that they are there, but its just mind-boggling to me that I’m putting myself out there and being honest to the letter and people can’t appreciate that. Its not a very comforting environment.
I don’t have nearly as many WordPress followers but I think I may settle here for a while once. Tumblr is for young people who care about impressing others and I’m not with that. No matter what I do, I’ll never be someone who lots of people follow. Its not my goal and I don’t like feeling like I should care.
I’d like to pretend that I’m all hip and what not, but sometimes I hear phrases that I’m not sure I know the meaning of, even with context clues. Why? Because, you know, I don’t hang around people on a daily basis.
“Stay pressed, haters” is a phrase, like “throwing shade”, that I have internalized now with my own special overwrought understanding of its meaning. I’m a writer, I feel its my duty to know these kinds of things even when they are obsolete. and sometimes Urban Dictionary just doesn’t cut it for me.
Ultimate meaning, “stay pressed” is usually used this way*
1: President Obama stays pressed, its a shame really, but what can we expect from someone in his position.
2: Bitches are pressed for attention despite their lack of relevance.
3&4: Haters stay pressed, talkin’ ‘bout Nicki Minaj is better than Lil’ Kim on forums that are dedicated to the Queen B.
5: I got my hair pressed today.
Naw, I’m just pressing my pants, the pleats are coming out.
I am pretty fierce, pretty passionate, strong too. But I’m also still soft, squishy, pressed for love, and nice.