There’s no amount of money you can pay for those five words, that blog domain name in your URL bar, that will equate to the pain, anger, and relapsing you have caused me.
Many mentors, notable folks of inspiration, and friends in my life have betrayed and let me down. Unfortunately, you happen to be one of the most important. Yes, your existence in this world was important to me, you meant something to me. That’s just the sappy, soft person that I am inside.
I have two accounts, one on WordPress and one on Tumblr, and three active blogs between them because I wanted people who may be struggling like me to know I exist.
I know you think this isn’t a big deal. At most, maybe a simple misunderstanding. However, my series of posts about you was me trying to get to the bare bones of why that message from you was tearing me up inside and pissing me off. I am weak and pathetic that the half-assed apology you thought up in your sleep means anything to me. As much as I hate myself for it, for not protecting myself and being my own champion in the face of your poisonous attitude, I still believe in the me from two years ago who respected and admired you. For you were my first step into the world of radical fat positivity. [Second step, depending on how you look at it.] I want to believe you are sincere but I don’t.
I know well that many people in your position, with any kind of name or standing, would never have even batted an eyelash, let alone try to apologize. However, I am not grateful.
No, I do not forgive you. I do not accept your apology. Maybe you really are just bad at apologizing. I’m a particularly prideful person, I make mistakes. However, the only time I have trouble apologizing to people is when I feel they don’t deserve an apology. Don’t know how to apologize to people who deserve an apology from you?
You better learn.
As you’ve noticed by the five or so posts I’ve written about you, I like to number things to organize my thoughts. I don’t care if you don’t care, I’mma say what I have to say, and here is why I don’t accept your apology:
- You’re a diva, I’ve seen it before in trailblazer types. Its one thing to be in love with your own vision. Another thing to be blinded by it. [People might remember the scene in The Dark Knight when Batman/filthy rich Bruce Wayne insults copycat civilian vigilantes for trying do what he does, not because they might get hurt or because he is concerned for their safety, not even because he wanted to be acknowledged for his style and work, but because he doesn’t want anybody stealing his shine, “jacking his shit”. He wanted to embarrass them for trying. This situation is not fully analogous because I wasn’t trying to copy you and Batman is a fictional character, but I hope you’re getting what I mean.]
- You say you sent me messages about the column before and gave other reasons for your reaction. Even if tumblr didn’t deliver your messages, even if I acknowledge what Sex and the Fat Girl means to you, does that really excuse you shitting on me and other fat women?
- “Dear Ms. Q/Every Smile a Lie, I noticed that a blog column you recently started and the domain name for my blog are the same. Would you mind changing it? I’ve messaged you on tumblr before and didn’t get a response. I don’t want us getting mixed up. Your column is unique to you and frankly I had the title first. Thanks, Tasha Fierce” See how respectful and unassuming that is? It still sounds vain and petty and I would have been embarrassed but understood.
- It’s obvious you never read my read my column. Otherwise, you wouldn’t see it as something bad. Now I feel ashamed for even sharing.
- In the end, you still get what you want—to be the only fat bitch on the hill while us peons amble around below you, unrecognized. You don’t have to be “associated” with us and our “sex columns”.
^^^See that sarcasm? Or is it sardonic? Okay, whatever, I’m lowering the salt level.
There’s no excuse in the world you can rap or offer for your poisonous attitude. If you really feel you are sincere, you probably already walked away saying, “Welp. At least I tried”.
I’m not going to hang on to this and let the salt-level tip over into bitter. That would degrade and break down all the radical self-care and self-love work that I have worked hard to do to lift myself up. Taviante Queens/Ms. Queenly are names I gave myself in order to pick myself and assign myself some worth, Taviante is the name of a fat heroine in one of my stories, one of the first fat heroines I ever embraced. I’m not going to disgrace all that work by not behaving with some dignity by letting you end me.
I’m just gonna try to never think about you again.