My sister told me she saw something about “reparative therapy”/conversion therapy, and I just came out and told her I identify as queer. I didn’t say “in what way” really, I just told her that heterosexuality, influenced as it is by male privilege and heterosexism, is plain boring, distasteful, and restrictive to me. She didn’t say anything, just kept talking about the show and her lesbian friend.

I’ve never talked to my sister (or mom) about not being strictly heterosexual. Like everything else about me that she personally doesn’t agree with for herself, she didn’t have anything to say. Oh well.

I struggle with this primarily because of my body image “denial”. I’ve always linked sexuality with expression through the body and linked that with body image/perception of self. Because of verbal and physical abuse, bullying, the social positionings that are forced on fat women in the media, I’ve never had a solid perception of my physical self. I understood on a deep level how others thought about me and never feel I was given a chance to nurture a perception/awareness of my physical self.

Since my perception of myself has always been so disconnected, it affected how I thought about my sexuality. A lot of my battles, so to speak happen inside of me. I don’t really know what “coming out” is supposed to mean. I’ve always imagined a party or some kind of recognition from the people I care about.

Coming out doesn’t mean anything for me. It never does. No matter how many times I do it.

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