Its the age-old question for many Black women.
Why don’t you have a man (boyfriend, husband, sex partner, whatever)?
My answer is this:
Because I don’t need one.
Would I like an intimate partner?
Will I go hunting around and bending over backwards for one?
After seeing and experiencing, I just think and feel that having “a man” is too much trouble.
I am happy with me. I prefer being with me actually.
My cousin says she can’t live without a man. (I was disgusted to hear her say that. Absolutely disgusted. I won’t lie.) Men are not food and water. I will not die without one. Sure, I get lonely. And I would prefer to have someone to be with when I’m tired of running around and around in my own head. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be “a man”.
What is “a man” anyway? And what can he do for me? What will I have to sacrifice to have (and keep) one of those?
My aunt says the women in our family are cursed and have no luck with men. I disagree with that. Its rare to find a “perfect match” and there are always signs when a relationship just isn’t going to work. From what I’ve seen, too many Black women are so desperate to “get a man” and perform these heteronormative roles that they don’t see those signs, they don’t see that this “man” never was, can’t be, or can’t become what they need or want because he doesn’t want to be. And she can’t be what he wants or needs either because it means giving up her own dreams and happiness.
No one ever thinks about how even men of our own race are indoctrinated into committing acts of racism against us. Black women have to deal with racialized sexism–that is, sexism that is motivated by racist and sexist/gendered ideas about us. From within our race and outside of it.
Why don’t I have “a man”? I can think of several reasons why people might say so–
- You’re fat.
- Smart women intimidate me.
- You’re too assertive.
- Why you look mad? (Um, I’m not mad this time, this is my face… Like I’m supposed to be smiling all the time. Fool, a picture will last longer, believe it.)
Some of their reasons…. Buuuut I’ll give my own explanation:
If I really wanted one, I’d do almost everything in my power to get one. Since I don’t need one and do not view myself as strictly heterosexual, I’ll pass on the hunting and chasing, unless a good one happens by and is interested in me.
And, the truth is, I think the majority of men are socialized to be scumbags. I feel like I should apologize for some reason but that’s really what I think. Additionally, I don’t want to be with anybody who puts “being a man” before being a wonderful and groovy human being.
I’m beginning to really like myself, and my opinion of myself is much more important to me than anyone else’s. Being with myself in my own space is much more important to be than being with someone else.
I’m good by myself, and that feels extra good to me.