What kind of friend essentially calls you a man-hater for calling out sexist, misogynoir behavior perpetrated by men anyway ? What dick has she had in her life that was so good that anything I say criticizing violent male behavior towards Black women calls for me to be verbally and spiritually attacked whenever it comes up in conversation? She keeps saying she gets it, she knows a lot of guys are screwed up, but does she get the scope of it? Does she get it at all really?
“You demonize men.”
“You act like you wish they would all get wiped from the face of the Earth and the world would be better off that way”.
I don’t think I’ve ever said anything that should inspire those type of feelings towards me in her or anyone else. I am always a pretty reasonable person, I wait and I listen most of the time before reacting, and there’s no reason why she should characterize me that way. If I feel any modicum of hate towards most men given my life experience, its justified. At the same time, I would never class myself as a man hater. I do not “irrationally hate” anybody. What I truly hate is when people act like tools for patternistic actions and indoctrinations that hurt me, hurt other people, and ultimately hurt the world.
When it came time for reconciliation over her abusive behavior, this friend’s peace offering was an apology and “You and I have different experiences with men and I need to remember that”–which is her code way of saying that her “good experiences” with men vindicate them as a whole and she needs to have patience with my “attitude” towards men. The guy paying her cell phone bill and her skinny two-faced boyfriend must make all the difference in the world.
I care very deeply for her, she has made my life better in some ways, but we can’t go any further if this is how things are going to be. Can something like this really be fixed? I feel her apology was more like a band aid on a gaping wound and part of me rejected it, while the part of me that wants everything to be okay with us accepted it. I accepted her apology but later felt it was a mistake when the harshness and unfairness of her words really hit me. Because it wasn’t the only time she attacked me and her apology held a double meaning, like she was really just saying she needs to be tolerate of my perspective/attitude even as she thought she said something else; I said something I thought was a littler clearer, like we need to take all future conversations about men and feminism more slowly so people can control their feelings and she goes “Oh I thought that’s what I said but okay”. I was like, No, that’s not what you said.
How can you really call somebody your friend when you can’t talk to them about what’s important to you and what has heavily shaped your life? How do I tell her she’s acting like a fucking codpiece? On some level, I feel I’m being too considerate: she’s said and done a few screwed up shit things that haven’t improved my outlook on life in the past few years. Now she’s silent and probably didn’t even notice that my internet and phone have been off for three days because she’s set up somewhere pretending to be completely optimistic and ignoring anything inconvenient she doesn’t want to deal with.
She obviously has some issues she needs to deal with, I can’t wait for her to resolve them, and I feel sorry that this day I had to add feminism to a list of serious things I no longer mention or discuss with her. Because critiquing and calling out the patriarchy is a part of my feminism and if she can’t handle that or anything else about me that makes her look at her world a little more closely, that means our conversations will eventually be whittled away to the occasional text message mention of cats, yarn, and shallow “How are yous”.