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I’ve achieved a lot this year and still have a little more to go. I’m very close to finishing another fantasy fiction novel that I’m very proud of. I’m feeling more confident putting my manuscripts/novels out there for other people to see.

I made a few offline sales with my small crafting business. (Getting people to buy stuff online is the problem.)

National Novel Writing Month didn’t completely defeat me this month and I’m at about 44,000 words in my 50,000 word goal.

I let go of some unhealthy attachments and worked on taking better care of myself.

But today was just full of trials. My mother’s ex-husband is still stalking me online and off. He sent a package to my house today, which was rejected. He has been trying to use my social security number and my sister’s on his taxes. My family is as abusive as ever on top of this. Luckily I have one person in my life other than myself who seems to truly care about my well being. Otherwise, I’d go crazy.


Full Disclosure


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Recently, I visited a podiatrist to check my overall foot health. Not only was the appointment uninformative and he did not examine my feet, the doctor made an unsolicited, medically unnecessary comment about my weight that had nothing to do with my feet. I reported him to this state’s Medical Board.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve had nothing but negative experiences with doctors because I’ve never been skinny. They’re all like, “Got a cold–lose weight.” “Need some ibuprofen for those headaches–lose weight”. “Depressed and suicidal because your family is abusive–lose weight.” All doctors have ever done is look at me and see a number. Dehumanize me. Humiliate and anger me. Make things worse for me, for the most part.

Though it’s not proven by any stretch of the imagination, some doctors attack an overweight/obese state as a disease or automatically as a symptom for EVERYTHING. Patients have the right to know whether or not the doctors who see them are going to treat being overweight or obese as a disease itself. Let’s face it: Most doctors operate under the belief that being fat is always bad. In a society with a huge and shameless weight loss industry and a medical industry based in shady pseudo-science, outright bigotry, and inhumane experimentation (especially regarding Black people), I would argue that it’s necessary for a doctor to disclose the understandings and beliefs they operate under to their potential patients so patients can decide for themselves if they want to be treated by them.

After all, why do doctors get to know tons of personal information about you but you don’t get to know anything about them?

Because if I go to a foot doctor for a routine foot examination and some dumb bastard tells me to lose weight (without looking at my feet at all, mind you), I’m going to question why he has a medical license and worry about all his patients.

Weight loss women


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I’ve struggled all my life with the attitudes of this fatphobic society and what it means to be a fat girl in this society. It’s not fun.

Recently, my mom has lost a lot of weight. She makes offhand comments about other women making envious and flattering remarks to her about her weight loss. “HOW did you lose all that weight?” or “What’s your secret, I’m so jealous!” I know my mom only mentions this to me as a form of bragging and being deeply flattered by these women’s comments and envy.

It would be different if they were complimenting her because she’s meeting a known weight loss goal for her health or even her personal image. But unfortunately when these women are participating in this catty, stereotypical, and fatphobic behavior, what they don’t know is that mom’s weight loss is the result of a very extreme diet placed on her by her doctor because she has spent the majority of her adult life mismanaging her Type 2 diabetes and must now change her eating habits or risk further complications and danger to her life. Hence the weight loss.

My recent blood tests prove that I do not have high blood pressure or high cholesterol, my kidneys are good, my A1C1 is in a non-diabetic range and my blood sugar is well-controlled. The only concern that the doctor has is that my BMI is really high. He’s concerned because I’m “very obese”.

Meaning, doctors don’t like that I’m fat. And feel the need to wag their fingers in my face.

Even if my blood test didn’t read so good, it would be the same. Because me being fat is the problem to these so-called doctors who are oh-so “concerned about my ‘health’.”

The envy of the women complimenting my mom, my family’s mistreatment, my mom’s attitude about her body and mine, my sister’s obsession with weight loss and beauty, the attitude of these doctors–the only thing this proves to me is that they aren’t concerned with health at all, let alone holistic health. They are concerned with the appearance of fitness, thinness/skinniness, patriarchal stamps of approval, and universal conformity.

Everybody’s bodies and conditions are different yet they are all treated the same. I find no comfort or faith in a society where the only thing another Black woman can think of to say to me is, “You’ve lost so much weight, OMG, I’m so jealous. Tell me your secret!” And I momentarily shut my mom’s camouflaged bragging down by saying as much.


Bias Against An Oppressor?


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Like anyone else who has experienced repeated traumas as a member of an oppressed group, I can be unintentionally biased against individuals when I’m not on my game (tired of sorting the good apples from the hellacious mountain of bad ones, so to speak). Sometimes I completely run out of patience with the groups I view as the source of my suffering or the source of a given issue.

But I wonder if it’s possible to be truly biased or prejudiced against a race that has violently maimed and is still actively oppressing your race. For example, I’ve had to accept white racism/anti-Black racism as a fact of the society and world that I live in. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t change history and I can’t the direct and indirect experiences of ignorance, systemic violence, and hate that is often triggered by living a white-dominated society where anti-Black racism is still a common and accepted practice. I often practice kindness. However, white folks make me wary and weary because no matter how open and kind I try to be with them, they typically eventually disgrace my efforts to control my reactions to my triggers by adding new disappointing stories to my life experiences with their behaviors, casual attitudes, and beliefs. What do other people think? Is it possible to be biased or prejudice against a group that has violently oppressed your race for, like, three centuries or more and continues to do so?

Little Black boy


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Its nothing new that white people murder Black people because, for the most part, they get away with it. It’s the reason why people are on the streets yelling about Black lives mattering. It should be obvious that all life is sacred. Yet we live in a society where one race is still allowed to destroy the lives of another out of petty hate and an unfounded sense of superiority. And its still, to an extent, sanctioned by law. It’s horrifying.

I don’t discuss recent events concerning this on my blog unless I directly involve myself in it by taking the time to slog through the news feed and sort out its discrepancies.

If my brother was still alive, I would worry for him. I worry for Black children. Nothing compares to being seen through the eyes of a baby. A newborn has recently changed my view of myself, just with the love shining in his brown eyes. And I love him and I worry for him. Because we live in a world where he could be shot down just for being born Black.

Anybody could be killed at any moment. But there is something to be said for your life expectancy dropping because people hate Black folks.

Writing What I Want to Read As A Black Woman Writer


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It is very, very very hard to find fantasy fiction or fiction of any kind that features Black women characters as the main characters. Yes, yes, yes–I’ve heard of Octavia Butler, so please have a seat. In the recent past, people have been convinced that there are no Black fiction writers, especially not Black women writers. This is not true, whether this perception stems from racism and disparity in the publishing market or lack of exposure, it just ain’t true. I know because I am a Black fiction writer and I know I’m not the only one. I am afraid that every time someone says that, a Black writer with a story worth telling gives up, adding to the isolation that some Black writers like me feel.

Even so, I am proud to say that even with all the challenges I face, I have not given up. I have not let go of the stories I want to tell. Writing is not a hobby to me. It is a means of survival and a calling.

This month, I am writing a chapter a day on Jukepop. Its a high fantasy novella/novel. Twelve days, twelve chapters so far. The main characters of my book are Black girls and I love them. I’m happy that I’m writing the kind of story I want to read, putting it out there everyday for everyone to see. Maybe some other people will read it too.

To the Black woman I love the most, thank you. I wanted to write you the story you deserve, I’m not sure if I succeeded but I hope you find a warm, happy place for this story in your heart. Many Happy Returns, my dear, sweet girl.

“I’m not gay though”


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I was at the bus stop when a Mexican woman and her daughter come over, too. She asks me if the bus still goes by Wal-hell down the street. I tell her, Yes. And shortly after that she starts telling her daughter that I am pretty and I look just like so-and-so. As the bus comes, she says to me, “You are so pretty. Really. I’m not gay or anything.”

She continues, “My daughters are always telling me to stop saying that to other women or they’ll think I’m gay but I just wanted to say you’re gorgeous.” Again– “I’m not gay or anything.”

My first response was “Thank you.”

The Mexican lady says something else and I assure her, “No, its okay.” I add, maybe unnecessarily, as the bus pulls up, “Some people might be offended by another woman saying they’re pretty but I’m not one of them”. She doesn’t say anything else and we all get on the bus.

Why are people so desperate to appear extra-straight? What’s wrong with telling another woman you think she’s pretty? I’ve never told anyone in my family that I don’t identify exactly as straight. They are very queerphobic. Yet I am still baffled and somewhat incensed by people’s desire to make sure NO ONE (all CAPS) thinks they’re gay. Even if you say it because your life is in danger from violent people, you might live another day by lying about it but aren’t you dying a slower death inside from lying about who you are anyway?

People’s desperate, crazed desire to avoid being labeled as gay or in anyway acknowledging of the same sex, be they queer or straight, is alarming. Its scary. I think less of the state of the world every time anything like this happens. Its disappointing.

The Queen’s Curl’s: hair is business


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Hair recently…

Is it okay to use what works for you or are all the naturalistas judging you for not buying from Black-owned hair companies? News flash: A lot of that stuff’s really damn expensive. For poor and working class people trying to care for themselves, including their hair, its not always an option.

But still…

Coming up on the bottom of my jars of rarely used Cantu and Sof n’ Free Gro Healthy pudding, I promised myself I’d investigate Black-owned hair companies the next time I needed hair products. And I am. I was okay in the beginning of my natural hair journey in 2011 to find something that worked for me and stick with it. Then I read THIS– Black owned natural hair products/companies. It gave me pause and made me realize what I was inadvertently doing–supporting a long, violent history of white exploitation of my race.

I never had anybody tell me my hair was beautiful. Never had anybody teach me how to care for my hair. That my hair was worth caring for without a relaxer. I was so excited to realize my hair was fine exactly the way it is that I just went with the first thing I used that worked for me. I vouched for Sof n’ Free until I realized who owned it. Now I cringe when I look back at my past posts. I wonder how many Black women might’ve come across my blog and dismissed me and what I was writing out of hand for not using the products of Black-owned companies. At the same time, I’ve come a long way and I can only treat my hair better. This is where I am now.

My ideal product is one created by Black women with Black women and Black love in mind, owned by a person who deserves every penny, one that I respect.

But these business owners have to get paid and likely Black hair is simply a business to them, as anything else is in the capitalist American mind. The next step for me is to see what they know and what they’ve got. Ultimately, I want to find simple, homemade remedies for my hair so I don’t have to rely on anybody.


Then, suddenly, two people fucking


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I watched some of the latest James Brown movie and it reminded me of one thing about myself: I don’t like movies where suddenly people are having sex or a character walks in on people having sex. There’s no context, no substance, no emotion. Its just there all of a sudden. Its purely done for shock value by the industry and I don’t find it amusing. Its disgusting.

The opening of Rosewood, especially considering its racially charged nature, makes me want to throw up. Yes, you can walk in on people having sex accidentally. It happens, but “sudden fucking” is NOT in movies because it sometimes happens. Its there for shock value and cheap thrills.

It doesn’t titillate me. It doesn’t excite me. Its feels like being mentally and emotionally assaulted. “Sudden sex” in movies makes me physically ill. Especially when I don’t know if someone is being abused or having consensual sex.

“Why is he with her?”


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Quick run-through of the situation:

  1. Television show, What Would You Do?
  2. Mexican man dating a white woman, in a restaurant,
  3. a Latina at a nearby table asks him “Why are you even with her?” and questions his loyalty to their race out loud in front of other customers,
  4. other customers and management respond by berating her openly and making even more ignorant declarations than she did, pulling the reverse racism card
  5. the reason I don’t watch television and need to stop going into my sister’s den of ignorance (This post is happening because I walked by her door and made the mistake of asking her what was so funny)

Many people will agree that its racist to hate people of different races being together. Fewer people understand how some interracial relationships can be inherently racist and they don’t bother to learn either, especially Americans.

The media deliberately misinforms and disseminates disinformation about what racism is and how it operates. This hidden camera ignorance called What Would You Do? (judging by this segment) looks like a great example of that. It takes people who really pay attention to know the difference between racism and what they want you to think racism is.

Because of how internalized racism works, beaten into the Black people in America by whites, I DO NOT think or believe a Black woman who sees a Black man with a white woman in a restaurant and silently wonders, “Why is he with her?” is necessarily racist. Because sometimes what she’s really asking is, “Is this Black man with this white woman (or INSERT NON-Black race) because she’s NOT Black?” Black men are known to associate white women with beauty, cleanliness, upward mobility, and docility because white people have deliberately taught everyone that Black women are the opposite (barring docility). Black men deliberately go after and engage with women of other races oftentimes because they view Black women as inferior. I believe that Mexican women and other Women of Color have similar experiences.

One man in the episode tries to discuss the issue with the Latina dissenter, saying “I’m American first, Latino second”. So you prioritize nationality (a nation violently and unjustly shaped and continuously and disproportionately influenced by white hate and greed) over your race which made you? And he said it so proudly. The responses from the customers leads into a very familiar and frustrating territory: reverse racism. Which typically only exists in the land of white logic where they faithfully believe they are regular victims of racism instead of the unapologetic perpetrators in general.

Black Pride and white pride are two different things. While white pride comes from a place of hate and an unfounded sense of superiority, Black Pride comes from a place of love, sorrow, joy, pain, and strength. This demonstrates an inversion: One is inherently racist and the other is not. Even generalizing can be different when white racism is involved. In exactly the same way, it reasons that a Woman of Color wondering why a man of Color is with a white woman is NOT necessarily the same as a white woman saying out loud in a restaurant why a white man is with a Woman of Color.

Interracial relationships are usually complicated, race tends to bring specifically complex dimensions to it. So outside of voicing my observances and experiences on how they can be horribly racist by their very nature, I stay out of the entire affair. I would never say something like what the Latina in the segment said even if I silently wondered how deep the Mexican man and the white woman’s relationship is. Not only because I would likely be attacked by “well-meaning Americans” who think they know what racism is but because I have no idea what the interracial couple’s relationship is like, I don’t know them, and its none of my business until they make it my business, which is hard to do.

My rule of thumb, however,  is that interracial relationships are suspect because people are typically dumb, shallow, racist, and impulsive. They are socialized that way.